Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'd kill for this guy's wit

After watching The Colbert Report I’ve become way more interested in what’s happening in the world and politics. About a month ago I found out Stephen Colbert has a Twitter account. He has hundreds of Tweets and I’m proud to say I’ve read all of them. I wrote down all my favorites. Enjoy & LOL

-job man tip #47: nobody checks your resume to see if you were really the pope
-obama got jury duty in illinois? guess we can add "changing address with dmv" to list of things he hasn't gotten done this year
-china just had its first gay marriage. glad to see we've begun outsourcing our sins
-i wish just once that my touch-screen monitor would touch me back
-my colbert platinum segment is only for the super-rich. don't bother watching if the minks in your coat are dead
-got a contact high from snoop dogg. i'm so hungry. sd;FJK;Asdkltm, sorry, just tried to eat my keyboard.
-nobody's perfect. sorry, I mean nobody but ME is perfect. wow, first time I've ever made a mistake! oh, well, nobody's perfect.
-Tiger needs to buckle down & find that "one" special person to spend the rest of his life cheating on his wife with
-There's only one reason Tiger Woods would have been in his car at that hour-- Doorbuster sale. When will the madness end, Walmart?
-it's almost thanksgiving, so let me be the first to say, "you're welcome"
-why is everyone so afraid of mayan calendar predictions? they certainly failed to predict that they'd die out in the 9th century
-beauty is only skin deep, which is why i insist my plastic surgeon scrape me to the bone
-i can't believe we're facing an ammunition shortage right when we're facing a surplus of things i want to shoot at
-the taser is a perfect law enforcement tool. the lovechild of the nightstick, the pistol, and the car battery
-whoo-hoo! new york city is number one in rat population. kL:JDg4tgrvAERTC sorry - one just ran across my keyboard
-wearing a mask is so sweaty. i don't know how those scooby-doo villians did it.
-i don't know what those hippies are talking about. i can make love 'and' war
- another great way to make your resume stand out: write it in 48 point font wingdings
-happy canadian thanksgiving! the day every american should stop and give thanks that we're not canadian
-hey college ruled paper. quit bragging about your alma matter
-glad U.S. never accepted any statues from scotland. who wants laddy liberty?
this march, afghanistan will become america's longest war ever. i'm not sure i'm ready for that kind of commitment
-women's history gets an entire month, sharks get a week, yet fathers only get a day. who is making these corrupt decisions?
-obama wants to kill old people. so does arthritis. so by the transitive property, oh god, obama is arthritis
-the sears tower is changing its name to the willis tower? watchu talking about, sears?
-why does the census ignore america's vampires? join me in my chant for justice: count dracula! count dracula!
-fun-sized candy bars? they're slaughtered before they can grow to full size--what's 'fun' about that?

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