Tuesday, June 1, 2010

There's no easy way to say this..

I don’t know a better way to start out then by sharing this picture..

BOOM! Passed out cowboy in the bathroom of the restaurant I work at. Before he became comatose in a public bathroom he was sitting at a table in my section takin shots of whiskey then washing it down with Corona. He wasn’t in his right mind to be giving me the compliments he did but my self esteem needed it so I kept on bringin out the booze. After a well flirted for tip from the table of cowboys they were gone … all but one. A picture was more than necessary.

It’s hard to compare the rest of my life’s events on the same scale as shiz faced cowboy, but there’s a few things that are decent in comparison. My sister Glamber got married and then my brother decided to throw me under the bus and get engaged. I was already the odd man out in the family but now I will have the opportunity to be the lone man at all family events. Cabin trips? Top bunk. Family dinners? Folding chair at the dining room table. Family pictures? Standing next to my parents with their pity arms around me cradling me like the lonely single child I am. Sunday walks? Hand in hand with…. MYSELF. I’m not bitter. I’m observant.

Brian gets married at the end of the month in Montana so it’ll be fun getting back together with my family. ((currently accepting applications for a wedding date))

yeah i know.

husband. wife. single. fiance. fiance.

if this doesn't scream AMBER i dont know what does

the happy couple.. oh wait.. next picture

brian & kalie

Friday, April 9, 2010


I’m well aware that intimacy exists in all relationships and age doesn’t inhibit intercourse. I’ll accept it. Well, now I’ll accept it…. Only because I caught my professor sexting.

Happened like this. My professor showed us this thing called Google Voice (kinda like texting) and went ahead and opened up his inbox which was projected onto a large screen to show us how it worked. As he’s sitting there explaining my friend Hillary leans over and said: “Read the third message down!!!!”

Wife: Me. You. Our room. Ice Cream. With or without ropa.

Really? Did I just read what I thought I read? A sext message from my professors wife about an intimate night complete with ice cream? I tried to be subtle about my feelings towards this but my gag reflexes and my loud, unfeminine laugh didn’t feel like being discreet. I LOL’d. had there been adequate room I would have been ROFL.

I thought I remembered ropa meaning something in Spanish but I wasn’t quite sure so I sent a text that made my understanding of the previously mentioned sext beyond my ability to handle. Maybe I’m the only one who didn’t know but ropa in Spanish mean’s clothes.

Clothes. With or without clothes. I am now forced to view my professor on a completely different level. Great.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The One With All the Wives...

Tonight I talked to one of my oldest and dearest friends who is in Hawaii going to school. We reminisced and laughed about the dumbest memories we made in our 20 years of knowing each other. One of the fondest and most unique was the time we went to Colorado City, Arizona.

While going to school at BYUIdaho, Molly became friends with an apostate polygamist. The majority of his family still lives in Colorado City even though they no longer follow the FLDS lifestyle or practice polygamy. It took me a while to understand why they stayed living there, but the main reason was to stay close to their family (not to mention they had a few sweet houses there and deluxe property). Brief family history so it makes more sense. Husband to 4 and Father of 41 finds the church through missionaries, tells main FLDS leader he's leaving the church and polygamy along with the willing members of his family. FLDS head guy shuns the family. Family gets divided by religion and way of life but for the most part still totally happy and loving.

So.. we stay with one of the oldest brothers family in the heart of Colorado City. The neighbors were very faithful followers of the FLDS faith and didn't love waving at me and Molly even though any time we saw them we'd wave uncontrollably. It was funny noticing how the girls would refuse to acknowledge us but the boys and men who were out in the fields working or riding horses down the streets were more than happy to wave and even give a little wink to either of us. I mean... wouldn't you want us as a sister wife?

of course you would.

Any chance I felt comfortable I asked as much as I could to find out about this religion and lifestyle that I knew so little about. Sure i knew about the unflattering long sleeve pastel dresses that go so perfectly with AVIA tennis shoes, or the lack of makeup and any 'beauty' product to make a girl look like, well... a girl, and i knew about the perverted senior citizens who marry and impregnate teenagers. I didn't understand so much of it so i went ahead and did what Lisa Ling would do in my situation.. i asked the hard questions.

Me and Molly took a walk with one girl with 3 moms and tried to figure out what her life was like. She was a polygamist but didn't belong to the FLDS faith so she wasn't dressed like the typical polygamist. She was fairly open and didn't hate talking to us and loved how feminine Molly and I were. I point blank asked her, "isn't it weird having 3 moms?!" she responded, "isn't it weird only having 1?!" touche little polyg, touche.

My brother just so happened to be staying the weekend in St. George so I invited him to come hang out with us one night. He just knew I was staying in Colorado City but didn't know that the family I was with wasn't polygamist and I didn't feel the need to correct his way of thinking before he got there. So we all came up with a plan of how we were going to freak my brother and his friend out and even had the help of this old, large, intimidating grandmother. So the second they showed up, two of the girls immediately go latch on to my brother and his friend. They were creepy enough in their ways of flirting that made their interest in them seem believable. They invited the boys on a walk just the 4 of them and were super affectionate and wouldn't leave their side the rest of the night. When they got back to the house where we were all waiting, two of the girls seduced my brothers friend into one of the bedrooms and shut the door. My brother had the most panicked look on his face and demanded I tell him if it was a joke or not. As much as I love to watch my gay brother squirm, I let him in on the joke. He went into the room to try and save his friend as best as he could. After 10 minutes in the room, the old, large, intimidating grandma came into the room and gave a speech that had these main points..
-These are Colorado City's finest girls.
-Don't offend us by refusing to have them for the night
-We've saved them for you

VERY successful practical joke. Another highlight of the trip was getting the chance to spend the 4th of July at the all day celebration in the city's park. Imagine, polygamists of all shapes, sizes and pastel colors just running around and celebrating their 'freedoms' (if they only knew the joys of a pedicure...)

I wanted to find the sister wife who thought to bring a karaoke machine to the celebration because she deserves a million thank you's. Now i have sweet memories whenever i hear the songs, "I'm Proud to be an American" "Achy Breaky Heart" and of course, "My Heart Will Go On". Those polygamists really know how to get down and sing.

I'm proud to say that Molly and I stole the show when we sang "Cowboy Take Me Away" and got those polyg's swayin side to side. Magical moment.

I miss that place. I now feel like anytime anyone says something that is even remotely related to polygamy or Colorado City I have to tell my story. It's a right of passage that very few people have. Truthfully, I'd love to go back there someday.. but next time I'm only packing floor length dresses and tennis shoes.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I ain't no momma

A great deal of my 'free time' is spent babysitting. A lot of college aged girls do it and try to sophisticate what they are doing by saying "im a nanny" but lets be honest.. they aren't. You can't force maturity on a title... or at least I can't. I don't care to. I'm a babysitter. Sure, call me 13 again, but it pays and it's easy. generally. Most days the kids are fun and easy to entertain but then there are days like today... and yesterday. I'm not the biggest supporter of children spending hours watching television and playing video games so when I babysit I have one rule. No more than one hour in front of the television.
not on my watch kids.

So my little buddy wanted to watch TV for a half hour and spend the other half hour playing Wii. Fine by me. When his half hour of precious Wii time was over I asked him to shut it off and come play outside with me. He literally stuck his tongue out at me and continued to play. I sat there in disbelief. Did I at one point in my life respond to people like that? I'm sure I did. Actually, I'll guarantee I did. But that's not the point. I told him that if he didn't shut it off by the time I walked up and down the stairs that I'd shut it off for him. So I walked up and down the stairs and came back down to see my sweet little guy clawing at his face and started screaming "I HATE YOU!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!" K great... Tell me something I don't already know kid. Sure I could have let him play for another hour and it would have made my afternoon go by easier but I don't go back on my word. I'm mean like that.

So as he continued to claw his face off he contorted his body to a strange shape and screamed "I HATE YOU! ALL I WANT TO DO IS PLAY THE WII! I'M GOING TO THROW UP! I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO THROW UP!" I didn't know how to deal with the situation so I figured the best thing to do was to let him throw his tantrum and open the bathroom door so in case he really did need to toss his cookies, he would take care of that in the bathroom and not all over the floor for me to clean up. So he ran into the bathroom still tellin me how much he hates me and that he was still feeling like he was going to throw up. The screaming continued for oh.. 5 minutes. Then silence for a while. I poked my head into the bathroom and saw my little bugger was dead asleep at the foot of the toilet. I guess that's one way to solve it...

Then today.. oh today. I'm not a mother so I don't have maternal instincts so what happened today was beyond my ability to comprehend and accept. My sweet little 2 year old needed a diaper change immediately if not sooner. we hustled to the bathroom to take care of the problem and unwrapped the diaper to find something I will never recover from. I twisted my body to grab the wipes and turned back around to find the worst case scenario of babysitting scenario's. My princess decided to put her hands in places that hands shouldn't go. ever. In the short time of me twisting my body to grab the wipes the problem in the diaper became the problem of my jeans, the cupboards, the bathroom rugs, the floor, and the face, hair, tummy, shoulders of this adorable girl. Because I totally wanted to clean up your poop from more areas than one.

kristin wiberg i dedicate this little video to you. enjoy.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

exactly what i needed

You know the days when you just can't seem to get it together? The bad days when nothing bad is happening.. but nothing good is happening either? Kinda been one of those days.. then i took the time to watch this....

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Wednesday, March 10, 2010