Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The One With All the Wives...

Tonight I talked to one of my oldest and dearest friends who is in Hawaii going to school. We reminisced and laughed about the dumbest memories we made in our 20 years of knowing each other. One of the fondest and most unique was the time we went to Colorado City, Arizona.

While going to school at BYUIdaho, Molly became friends with an apostate polygamist. The majority of his family still lives in Colorado City even though they no longer follow the FLDS lifestyle or practice polygamy. It took me a while to understand why they stayed living there, but the main reason was to stay close to their family (not to mention they had a few sweet houses there and deluxe property). Brief family history so it makes more sense. Husband to 4 and Father of 41 finds the church through missionaries, tells main FLDS leader he's leaving the church and polygamy along with the willing members of his family. FLDS head guy shuns the family. Family gets divided by religion and way of life but for the most part still totally happy and loving.

So.. we stay with one of the oldest brothers family in the heart of Colorado City. The neighbors were very faithful followers of the FLDS faith and didn't love waving at me and Molly even though any time we saw them we'd wave uncontrollably. It was funny noticing how the girls would refuse to acknowledge us but the boys and men who were out in the fields working or riding horses down the streets were more than happy to wave and even give a little wink to either of us. I mean... wouldn't you want us as a sister wife?

of course you would.

Any chance I felt comfortable I asked as much as I could to find out about this religion and lifestyle that I knew so little about. Sure i knew about the unflattering long sleeve pastel dresses that go so perfectly with AVIA tennis shoes, or the lack of makeup and any 'beauty' product to make a girl look like, well... a girl, and i knew about the perverted senior citizens who marry and impregnate teenagers. I didn't understand so much of it so i went ahead and did what Lisa Ling would do in my situation.. i asked the hard questions.

Me and Molly took a walk with one girl with 3 moms and tried to figure out what her life was like. She was a polygamist but didn't belong to the FLDS faith so she wasn't dressed like the typical polygamist. She was fairly open and didn't hate talking to us and loved how feminine Molly and I were. I point blank asked her, "isn't it weird having 3 moms?!" she responded, "isn't it weird only having 1?!" touche little polyg, touche.

My brother just so happened to be staying the weekend in St. George so I invited him to come hang out with us one night. He just knew I was staying in Colorado City but didn't know that the family I was with wasn't polygamist and I didn't feel the need to correct his way of thinking before he got there. So we all came up with a plan of how we were going to freak my brother and his friend out and even had the help of this old, large, intimidating grandmother. So the second they showed up, two of the girls immediately go latch on to my brother and his friend. They were creepy enough in their ways of flirting that made their interest in them seem believable. They invited the boys on a walk just the 4 of them and were super affectionate and wouldn't leave their side the rest of the night. When they got back to the house where we were all waiting, two of the girls seduced my brothers friend into one of the bedrooms and shut the door. My brother had the most panicked look on his face and demanded I tell him if it was a joke or not. As much as I love to watch my gay brother squirm, I let him in on the joke. He went into the room to try and save his friend as best as he could. After 10 minutes in the room, the old, large, intimidating grandma came into the room and gave a speech that had these main points..
-These are Colorado City's finest girls.
-Don't offend us by refusing to have them for the night
-We've saved them for you

VERY successful practical joke. Another highlight of the trip was getting the chance to spend the 4th of July at the all day celebration in the city's park. Imagine, polygamists of all shapes, sizes and pastel colors just running around and celebrating their 'freedoms' (if they only knew the joys of a pedicure...)

I wanted to find the sister wife who thought to bring a karaoke machine to the celebration because she deserves a million thank you's. Now i have sweet memories whenever i hear the songs, "I'm Proud to be an American" "Achy Breaky Heart" and of course, "My Heart Will Go On". Those polygamists really know how to get down and sing.

I'm proud to say that Molly and I stole the show when we sang "Cowboy Take Me Away" and got those polyg's swayin side to side. Magical moment.

I miss that place. I now feel like anytime anyone says something that is even remotely related to polygamy or Colorado City I have to tell my story. It's a right of passage that very few people have. Truthfully, I'd love to go back there someday.. but next time I'm only packing floor length dresses and tennis shoes.

Friday, March 12, 2010

I ain't no momma

A great deal of my 'free time' is spent babysitting. A lot of college aged girls do it and try to sophisticate what they are doing by saying "im a nanny" but lets be honest.. they aren't. You can't force maturity on a title... or at least I can't. I don't care to. I'm a babysitter. Sure, call me 13 again, but it pays and it's easy. generally. Most days the kids are fun and easy to entertain but then there are days like today... and yesterday. I'm not the biggest supporter of children spending hours watching television and playing video games so when I babysit I have one rule. No more than one hour in front of the television.
not on my watch kids.

So my little buddy wanted to watch TV for a half hour and spend the other half hour playing Wii. Fine by me. When his half hour of precious Wii time was over I asked him to shut it off and come play outside with me. He literally stuck his tongue out at me and continued to play. I sat there in disbelief. Did I at one point in my life respond to people like that? I'm sure I did. Actually, I'll guarantee I did. But that's not the point. I told him that if he didn't shut it off by the time I walked up and down the stairs that I'd shut it off for him. So I walked up and down the stairs and came back down to see my sweet little guy clawing at his face and started screaming "I HATE YOU!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!" K great... Tell me something I don't already know kid. Sure I could have let him play for another hour and it would have made my afternoon go by easier but I don't go back on my word. I'm mean like that.

So as he continued to claw his face off he contorted his body to a strange shape and screamed "I HATE YOU! ALL I WANT TO DO IS PLAY THE WII! I'M GOING TO THROW UP! I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO THROW UP!" I didn't know how to deal with the situation so I figured the best thing to do was to let him throw his tantrum and open the bathroom door so in case he really did need to toss his cookies, he would take care of that in the bathroom and not all over the floor for me to clean up. So he ran into the bathroom still tellin me how much he hates me and that he was still feeling like he was going to throw up. The screaming continued for oh.. 5 minutes. Then silence for a while. I poked my head into the bathroom and saw my little bugger was dead asleep at the foot of the toilet. I guess that's one way to solve it...

Then today.. oh today. I'm not a mother so I don't have maternal instincts so what happened today was beyond my ability to comprehend and accept. My sweet little 2 year old needed a diaper change immediately if not sooner. we hustled to the bathroom to take care of the problem and unwrapped the diaper to find something I will never recover from. I twisted my body to grab the wipes and turned back around to find the worst case scenario of babysitting scenario's. My princess decided to put her hands in places that hands shouldn't go. ever. In the short time of me twisting my body to grab the wipes the problem in the diaper became the problem of my jeans, the cupboards, the bathroom rugs, the floor, and the face, hair, tummy, shoulders of this adorable girl. Because I totally wanted to clean up your poop from more areas than one.

kristin wiberg i dedicate this little video to you. enjoy.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

exactly what i needed

You know the days when you just can't seem to get it together? The bad days when nothing bad is happening.. but nothing good is happening either? Kinda been one of those days.. then i took the time to watch this....

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he has been robbed. The fact is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just like people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, and most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is just like an old time rail journey ... delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." -Gordon B. Hinckley

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Everything is amazing... nobody is happy


Camera Phone...

I'm sure this is more than you 4 followers want to see, but these are some of my favorite pictures all taken with my handy little phone. Mind you I have 242 pictures on my phone so these are the best of the best... sort of.

Randomly found flyers on the third floor of the TSC proudly displaying AUBREY ROBERTSON and some dumb information about the census.

To celebrate Julia's birthday we went to Denny's in Tremonton late at night. On our drive there, Kylie called the restaurant to tell them we were coming and to see if they would set up our table extra nice and write 'happy birthday julia' on whatever they could. When we got there the woman took us to our table decorated with stuff saying 'happy birthday amanda'

Wanna know what it would be like to see 500 Days of Summer in a theater completely alone? It might look something like this... it ain't pretty folks.

the only thing more entertaining than seeing a person riding a scooter on the freeway in Pervo, Utah is seeing a person riding a scooter on the freeway with a half dozen inches of butt crack hangin out

Did you ever hear about the time I worked at Pepperidge Farm as an assembly line worker? True life. Thank goodness the Farm helped me prepare for the flood that was comin! Sure i could have unhemmed the pants to show less of my velcro non-skid shoes but would I have loved my job as much if I did? nope.

My dear Molly wanted to wear a belt buckle to the Caldwell Night Rodeo but didn't have one so she made one... out of tin foil and beads.

I don't feel comfortable saying the name of the website that allowed me to make this mural, but I feel comfortable saying that making this of my friend Kyle Swodez was the funniest way I've spent my free time this year.

I sat across from this creep of a man in the math tutor center for several hours one semester. He was always sayin the creepiest things and talking to himself and would even high five himself if he got answers right.

Then i dropped my pencil and noticed what were on this mans feet... murdering boots!

Is it really a career if you don't have to wear a hair net at your work establishment? what about safety goggles? ear plugs? and how about a tucked in size large t-shirt?

girl let me see yo' tootsie roll!

In the summer me and Jocelyn had a little BBQ at her apartment. We didn't feel like the sign about 'no grills near the siding' pertained to us so we went ahead and BBQ'd away. and then this happened..

my unofficial stalker. I can't claim him as my own personal stalker because he stalks about 75% of the females on campus, but this picture truly captures him in his natural habitat.

me bein serious at work

Wouldn't you take this picture if you saw pink lace panties in the garbage at Rancherito's/Beto's? Yeah exactly.

Have you ever gone along on a trip with your friends to a place 'right by' St. George only to find out that 'right by' St. George is actually Colorado City, Arizona? Home of polygamists? Wait let me one up you if that's happened to you.. have you ever spent 6 nights IN a polygamist household? In the middle of Polyg Country? Have you ever been denied service by a 14 year old polygamist girl in a convenience store in CC all because you were wearing shorts and a tank top? Have you ever sang karaoke to a park full of polygamists on the Fourth of July? Yeah well.. I have.

Juicy and Murphy.. so cute!

Perfect way to spend an afternoon.. renting the siamese bike from Aggie Blue Bikes. And then cruising around campus offering people rides and swerving in and out of pedestrians.

Treating myself to a manicure... I get them from the best of the best. She tell me I look like cheerleada.

My little friends in Logan that I hang out with 3-4 times a week. Ryan, Zachy Boy & Ella

On a trip to St. George one weekend, the other carload of friends left later then we did. Expecting them to be there at 10:00 pm we get a text at 10:15 pm saying "we are stranded in Scipio, Utah". let me go into detail.. they stopped at a gas station in Scipio to go to the bathroom and gas up. Once they got back in the car, the driver who shall remain nameless asked who had the keys. No one had them. Two hours of searching for the keys in a 300 square foot area and they were still M.I.A. Thank goodness for AAA and 100 miles of free towing.. and a friends boyfriend for driving to Provo with the extra key. I don't feel like sharing what happened after this but the keys are still missing. Scipio, Utah has a black hole!

I spend enough time with this little guy to be in a relationship with him. I love baby Drew!

Sarah giving her brother a hair cut..

I have nothing but love for Lisa after she put on the gorilla suit and walked around wal mart and bought bananas. then a respected wal mart associate asked her to take the mask off.. so she walked around wal mart in a gorilla suit without the mask. pure comic relief.


Thursday, March 4, 2010

I'd kill for this guy's wit

After watching The Colbert Report I’ve become way more interested in what’s happening in the world and politics. About a month ago I found out Stephen Colbert has a Twitter account. He has hundreds of Tweets and I’m proud to say I’ve read all of them. I wrote down all my favorites. Enjoy & LOL

-job man tip #47: nobody checks your resume to see if you were really the pope
-obama got jury duty in illinois? guess we can add "changing address with dmv" to list of things he hasn't gotten done this year
-china just had its first gay marriage. glad to see we've begun outsourcing our sins
-i wish just once that my touch-screen monitor would touch me back
-my colbert platinum segment is only for the super-rich. don't bother watching if the minks in your coat are dead
-got a contact high from snoop dogg. i'm so hungry. sd;FJK;Asdkltm, sorry, just tried to eat my keyboard.
-nobody's perfect. sorry, I mean nobody but ME is perfect. wow, first time I've ever made a mistake! oh, well, nobody's perfect.
-Tiger needs to buckle down & find that "one" special person to spend the rest of his life cheating on his wife with
-There's only one reason Tiger Woods would have been in his car at that hour-- Doorbuster sale. When will the madness end, Walmart?
-it's almost thanksgiving, so let me be the first to say, "you're welcome"
-why is everyone so afraid of mayan calendar predictions? they certainly failed to predict that they'd die out in the 9th century
-beauty is only skin deep, which is why i insist my plastic surgeon scrape me to the bone
-i can't believe we're facing an ammunition shortage right when we're facing a surplus of things i want to shoot at
-the taser is a perfect law enforcement tool. the lovechild of the nightstick, the pistol, and the car battery
-whoo-hoo! new york city is number one in rat population. kL:JDg4tgrvAERTC sorry - one just ran across my keyboard
-wearing a mask is so sweaty. i don't know how those scooby-doo villians did it.
-i don't know what those hippies are talking about. i can make love 'and' war
- another great way to make your resume stand out: write it in 48 point font wingdings
-happy canadian thanksgiving! the day every american should stop and give thanks that we're not canadian
-hey college ruled paper. quit bragging about your alma matter
-glad U.S. never accepted any statues from scotland. who wants laddy liberty?
this march, afghanistan will become america's longest war ever. i'm not sure i'm ready for that kind of commitment
-women's history gets an entire month, sharks get a week, yet fathers only get a day. who is making these corrupt decisions?
-obama wants to kill old people. so does arthritis. so by the transitive property, oh god, obama is arthritis
-the sears tower is changing its name to the willis tower? watchu talking about, sears?
-why does the census ignore america's vampires? join me in my chant for justice: count dracula! count dracula!
-fun-sized candy bars? they're slaughtered before they can grow to full size--what's 'fun' about that?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My Soul Mate..

In one of my classes, I had the privilege of getting interviewed by another student. He asked me the questions that skimmed the surface of who I was as an individual and sifted through my responses and compiled a beautifully written story about yours truly. He asked one question in a sarcastic manner that truly stuck with me.. "have you found your soul mate yet?" I sat there feeling like an idiot.. yet? CELLO I'm twenty! I'm not even mature enough to fully love myself. I thought back to the day I fought with my parents for an entire night about my desire to progress my first serious relationship into an eternal commitment. My parents.. my loving, wise, caring, all knowing parents knew they couldn't change my mind so they let me make my own choices. I continued on in my relationship for two months until I learned the hard way what my parents had so tirelessly tried to save me from. I could have lessened the heartache, avoided the regret, saved the tears, eliminated the depths of depression I allowed myself to sink to, but would have missed the chance to truly figure it out for myself. My parents were there for me on the mornings when my biggest accomplishment was getting out of bed, the afternoons when a familiar song came on the radio and ripped open the healing wound, and the nights when my mind refused to see the positive side of my decision. They knew. They knew from the beginning but saw the importance of learning from experience.. even though the experience was harsh. I love them. I love them for supporting me in each decision I make, believing in my dreams, allowing me to be myself, and giving me every possible opportunity for success. When I'm mature enough, I long to have the relationship they have. The love and companionship that has rendered them through over 25 years of marriage and the upbringing of 4 stubborn, irreverent (well.. 3 out of the 4), beautiful children (again.. 3 out of the 4) ((kidding)).

Until then I don't believe I sit alone without a soul mate. I believe I have found mine. My soul mate is a talented, driven, gorgeous, confident (i'm not talkin about myself people) young lady that I befriended years ago. I remember standing in the halls of Lowell Scott Middle School towering over my fellow classmates by inches, sometimes even feet. As if middle school isn't awkward enough- try being taller than nearly every boy and girl and in some cases teachers, having red hair and having train tracks running all up on my teeth. My confidence for obvious reasons wasn't exactly beaming. One day I hovered over my friends and listened to their stories about dance and boyfriends when I saw my soul mate. She too was hovering over her friends. So there was no music playing, no cherubs flying around, no magic connection that would confirm that this individual would continue by my side for the rest of my life. So what if this individual is the same gender as me? She gets me. She's the closest thing I have to a soul mate. She is... Kristin Wiberg. People have asked me to try and describe our friendship and I stare at them with complete confusion. There are no words to it. There's no combination of words I can put on the back of a postcard, no song that I can sing la de da... It's just life. It's just a bond we share that is personal enough to be without description. I love her. Some unclassy lady from Sex and the City said; "Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and boys are just people to have fun with,". It's true for now. It was true the day we entered the twin contest at LSMS by finding a XXXL winter coat in the lost and found, squishing in it and trying to win as Siamese twins, it was true the day she rode all night on a greyhound bus with past, present, and future convicts to Salt Lake City to come on spring break with me and my parents, it was true the night Kristin left a door open and let a bird fly into the house and terrorize us for hours, it was true the day she called and cried about her first real heartbreak and I cried harder than she did, it was true the day I saw her after her return to the mainland, and it is true today. She's my lady.. and in a non-sexual way I am hers. Cheers folks!

Never say that someone completes you. We have to feel whole even when we are by ourselves. For needing a certain someone is not love, but dependency. Wanting a person to become a part of your life is the best reason for having them. So rather than search for the someone who will complete you, wait for the person that will compliment your completeness.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

What Matters Most..

I have grown up my entire life as a Latter Day Saint. I haven’t explored other religions to find out if I belonged to the right one or not, I just have always stuck to what’s comfortable. In the beginning I wasn’t aware of the fact that I could question it. I knew it was an inevitable part of my life so I figured I might as well get used to it. I was, if you will, spoon fed my Gospel knowledge. There was no ‘Sacred Grove’ moment for me where my own personal testimony came all at once with perfect surety. In some ways I feel blessed to have doubted it. I feel blessed that I wasn’t always completely sure. I appreciate the implications of my beliefs. I cling to the feelings I’ve felt when I’ve taken the time to ASK. I’m overwhelmed with the concept of the atonement. It’s so much more than the belief that Christ died for my sins. Chieko N. Okazaki phrases it as pure poetry.

“We talk in great generalities about the sins of all human kind. About the suffering of the entire human family; but we do NOT experience pain in generalities. We experience it individually.”

Sure- The Savior died for us. It’s a commonly accepted belief. Too many times I forget that I am included in ‘us’… He died for US ( You, Me, Everyone )

“That means He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election. He knows that moment when the breaks locked and the car started to skid. He knows about drug addiction and alcoholism. Let me go further; there is nothing you have experienced that He does not also know and recognize. He knows about rape, infertility, and abortion. He understands the hunger to hold your baby that sustains you through pregnancy- both the physical pain of giving birth and the immense joy that follows. He knows what it was like when your mother was diagnosed with cancer, how it was for your mother and how it still is for you.”

I spent too many years believing a fraction of the atonement. It’s so much more than the Savior just dying for my sins! That in itself is a miraculous thing- but when I took the time to apply the rest of the principle to my life, I found out that I am NOT alone. I’m not the only person who has felt the way I feel in my lowest of lows and in turn, my highest of highs. And He didn’t do it for just some people, He did it for all of us.

“He’s not embarrassed with us, angry or shocked. He wants us in our unhappiness, in our guilt and in our grief. His last recorded words to His disciples were, “And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” The Lord isn’t waiting for us to be perfect. Perfect people don’t need a Savior. He is the Lord of the living and the living make mistakes.”

And so it is.. soak in the miracle of numerous ways to be a mormon. Soak in the blessing of STARTING CLEAN. Soak in the aspect that at the end of the day, we can get on our knees and ask for direct help from a member of the Godhead. Glory, glory, hallelujah!

Monday, March 1, 2010

First name Megan, Last name Ultimate

Now.. I'm warning you this is a sorry excuse to try and collect all my memories. I believe the only people to read this will be my sister Lacey and my future eternal companion Ryan Snow. If you're neither of these people.. I sincerely hope you enjoy and understand. Where to start? I'm 20, adorable, gigantic, partially ambitious, addicted to Family Guy, borderline depressed at times that I wasn't born an African American, involved, driven, and am personally responsible for the rise in McDonalds Chicken McNugget consumption in Logan, Utah. Like most people my age, I love napping and getting things for free. Moving out of Idaho and down to Logan was the best decision I have ever made. I have been blessed with challenging experiences and the patience to deal with them. I refuse to let myself spend more than a minute feeling sorry for myself.. all it takes to change my depressed demeanor is a quick glance at my 30 plus saved text messages in my phone and then I know I'm loved. Cheers folks... Life is great!